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Nessie

Diary 27/12

What is love ?

Never thought about it before.

Physical love perishable – our bodies will die.

What is imperishable love ?

Why attraction between man and woman ?

I feel put to a test; agitation, riot inside me.

My mind is a battlefield : values I have held so far come under the impact of new events. I have a husband to whom I have always been faithful, like my mother and my sister to their husbands. I have a strong will. Why was I powerless, feeling limp and faint when I was given this kiss ?

Why am I attracted by him ? His appearance, his look which seems to take one in; his gestures; his kind and loving ways; his kiss (for everybody); his maturity (he could be my father).

Nessie’s impact on me was tremendous.

I was made to think about my whole attitude to life and the traditional values of our society, which had been handed down to me and accepted on authority. They were on the lines of what might be described as “puritan ethics”. My mother had told me that the first kiss was the engagement kiss, leading to marriage. In marriage you live for your husband – she certainly did so happily. Infidelity – she may not have known what the word meant, it was so far outside her horizon. Sex was never talked about. When I did have a kiss at the age of eighteen, which did not lead up to marriage (the next one did !), I remember making sure with my mother that under no circumstances could you conceive a child by a simple kiss. Asked directly, she looked at me, gave a firm “no”, which was enough to reassure me,  and the conversation was ended.

I did not miss anything nor felt unhappy. On the contrary, I felt very happy in a loving, sheltered home. I enjoyed life which seemed to come easy, had no problems, passed my exams with full marks, had lots of friends; boys kept a certain distance … I did not mind too much and anyway, I knew my future husband, far away, it is true, but he filled my heart and mind.

I had all I wanted. I became married and a reasonably devoted wife and mother. My place was, of course, at home, looking after my family. I still hold that being a housewife is a responsible job.

On the whole, things went well. After a few years, there was something I considered a minor problem in my marriage. However, life cannot be expected to be easy all the time. When we were married, we promised to stay together in good and bad times. My intention was to keep this promise.

Another man was the very last thing that could have come to my mind.

Until I met Nessie.

He was the third man in my life to kiss me. Why did he dare ?

1° He kissed a number of ladies (not all of them) – so he could kiss me without rousing suspicion.

2° He kissed in public (most of the time), people could see it and laugh at it.

3° He was visibly so much older. Surely he would be allowed a little pleasure from a charming young lady …